Not Feeling Quite Myself

Author: K Forrester

  • My Home Birth Story

    You know I started writing this story in the first week, I’d pissed myself twice and shit myself once but it was still the greatest week of my life to date. And that feeling of joy has just grown as the weeks pass and now sitting here with a 5 month old, big blue eyed little baby sleeping next to me – I can’t help but reminisce again about her birth. 

    Never has a moment been so carved into my mind and in thanks to it being a home birth I get to sit rocking her to sleep each night in the very room, the very spot where she made her entrance into this world. 

    I know to many a home birth seems like something from the past, something you seen on Call the Midwife or maybe in a surprise scenario when baby comes too fast – Christ even the GP who did our 6 week check didn’t understand how we planned to do it at home! But for me it’s something I’d wanted for the longest time and to my delight something I never had to fight for as it all fell into place with the most supportive and positive midwife and team. 

    One big thing I will say though, in pregnancy when telling friends and family of the plan I was often met with looks of “oh no, you’re crazy” and 9 times out of 10 it’s followed with a “my (insert relationship of person here) would have died if they were at home”. The number of people to outright say my baby or I would die was mind blowing but I hope sharing my story means they stop saying that shit and now say “oh I know a woman who had a great home birth”, fingers crossed anyway!

    I was drawn to being home, in my own space and where I felt the safest. I’ll be very clear though that if at ANY point either of the two midwife’s had said we need to go to hospital then we were going. We were lucky enough to have a great balance of trust – it was my first time so I looked to my midwife’s for their expertise and trusted they’d respect me and my partners wishes.  I knew my body but they knew birth, it was a combination of both and trust in each other that made it work. 

    Adrian, my partner wasn’t actually 100% on board to start with, in fact I’m pretty sure he thought I was mad but from day one, he said it was my body so my choice. Knowing my desire for it, he did what his brain does best and researched the shit out of it. The more he learned he went from nervously agreeing, to wanting to be the one to catch the baby! (Btw this is actually one of the most amazing parts of a home birth, that for your babies first few hours on this earth it can be only family allowed to hold them. Mum, dad, granny etc can be the first human touch baby knows all before any medical professionals do their checks and weigh ins etc.)

    Now after watching a few YouTube videos on home births I had imagined a birth worlds apart from what actually happened – even in the ideal scenario some things just still won’t happen. There was no baking banana bread, no laughing and playing cards, my sister and mum weren’t pouring themselves a wee red wine as we tried to finish a game of cards. No, it wasn’t like that, it was raw and real, difficult and painful but I’d do it all again tomorrow. So I better tell you how it happened then right?

    Friday 13th June at 11pm(ish)

    40 weeks & 3 days according to NHS

    39 weeks & 6 days according to Flo app

    I had fully settled into the fact of probably go to 42 weeks, so when I felt things start to shift I was a little shocked. I had a sweep booked for the following Monday but my body was showing signs things were starting. I couldn’t sit still, had this urge to get up and move, loading the dishwasher, tidying the bathroom. My mind and body was telling me it wasn’t time to sit still and then I started having some tightenings. We decided to do a midnight run to Asda, our now wild date night outing of choice but this time as we wandered the aisles we had to stop every 5/10 minutes as these waves took over my body. It was definitely go time! 

    We got home and my instinct told me to try and get some sleep, although the pain’s were constant they were spaced far enough apart and no worse than mild period cramps at this stage. So sleep I did… but Adrian stayed up waiting to see I was ok bless him. I managed to sleep 1am to 6am but then the pain went up a notch. I got up and sent him to bed realising he was going to need some sleep too! 

    This second stage was definitely more intense but weirdly, having been hospitalised twice by the copper coil, oh and never given pain relief to have it put in, the pain was manageable – says a lot about my birth control experience that this was better! As Adrian went for a sleep I just enjoyed a slow few hours, a hot shower to ease the pain in my back, sitting with the dogs in the final moments of quiet and eating something for energy. 

    Now in true us style the day we were in labour we had a van going out on hire, a van that had broke down in London two days prior. It was a quick fix but not one we had planned. Our friend was kindly doing the repair so despite contractions we drove out to collect it – my logic was I’d rather be with Adrian at all times so if he was going to see the van I was coming too. I remember chatting away to our friend Andy, feeling a contraction as we chatted about his life with twins. Just smiling and nodding through!

    As we drove home I remember timings started speeding up but I still was chilled enough to go to the garage and get some Percy Pigs, sugar was needed obviously! I got in the house and knew then that I wasn’t going back out now.

    That transition to stage three of this birth hit! Till now I’d been texting family and friends quite the thing but I could hear that Doctor Strange voice “we’re in the endgame now”! I came in and just rotated between being sat on the ball in my room and leaning forward on it. Adrian had to go sort last bits to van but before he left we called the midwives and said probably best to send now. My sister arranged to come walk and take the dogs now too so one less thing. I remember calling Adrian and him saying he was just putting fuel in to which I replied “no you’re not, come home now and we will just apologies it’s empty”.

    That was 12pm and yeah, things got intense. Just before he got back I remember being on my knees regretting this, tears strolling down my face as I realised just how painful this was going to get. The next hour I remember my sister being in for the dogs and asking if mum should come now… I couldn’t open my eyes or speak really so just nodded with some kind of grunt. The door went for the hire collection and I shouted from the room “sorry about the fuel”. We called the midwives again and were reassured they were on their way. 

    About 1pm my mum and both midwives all arrived and I agreed to be checked, weirdly from all the TV in my life I remember this fear she was going to say 1cm – thankfully it was 5/6cm so things were going the right way! Time from there on out was a bit of an unknown but I have so many memories. 

    I spent most of this stage on my side in the bed, occasionally moving when encouraged but honestly it was the only position I could bear at points. Standing and even sitting on the toilet was all tried but the pain was just too intense. I shouted at one point “I’m in pain” to which I think the whole room did a collective “duh” but had to try and explain it was like I couldn’t feel from my waist down. They explained later it sounded like she was against some nerves at this stage and just adding to the labour fun. 

    Throughout the labour my eyes were mostly closed, but I had Adrian holding my hands and that made me feel safe and focused. Occasionally he’d have to go and get things for the midwives and then my mum jumped in for him. I needed this, I can’t explain how much human contact but more so from loved ones (the midwives hand just didn’t quite help me as much) just made this somewhat easier. But a moment I will weirdly treasure forever was being told off in labour by my mum – yep! I was screaming through a contraction and as the midwives tried to get me to use the gas and air and she just went mum mode “Katy use the gas like they are telling you, it won’t help if you don’t use it” … to her credit I listened, although the gas in my opinion was shit, the action did help focus my breathing. 

    Now as the hours passed all I could think was about how much longer it would take – for anyone going to give birth warning this was what I personally struggled with most. Pain is one thing but not knowing if it was for another hour or another day was a bit of a mind fuck! I started to wain a bit and around 3pm the inevitable “I can’t do this, I need drugs” started. One midwife popped out the room but everyone else told me I could do it. As she came back in I asked for them to check how far I was and her confident reply of “no don’t think we need to” was a bit of a strange moment. Turns out she had been on the phone to my community midwife who had assured her that if I was asking for pain relief it was likely just getting close and not that I needed it. The confidence she had in me that spurred on the midwife with us probably helped keep this home birth on track! 

    Oh I also passed out at one point, in my head a contraction had just ended and the next one just seemed to start straight away, I was crying how it wasn’t fair I needed the break – Adrian had to explain to me there had been 3 minutes I just passed out in exhaustion!

    Then I moved one final time, after briefly leaning on the window and screaming for a moment – we really should have warned the neighbours! I got onto my side again and the world kind of slowed down. My mum asked if I wanted my sister up now and I nodded thinking we had ways to go but looking back at the family chat there was a head in sight so she’d better get a move on!  

    My playlist was on but I couldn’t tell you what song playing, my knees kinda raised up and I said to Adrian to stay close so he could get her. The deal had been once her head and shoulder were out and the midwives could see all was well he could move in to catch her with them from there. 

    The midwives voices started to heighten and I knew I was approaching that ring of fire moment. In my head I was just thinking this is were you might tare, brace yourself this might suck. But then something happened I cannot explain and as two midwives, my mum and Adrian all shouted at me “DON’T PUSH” I couldn’t explain I wasn’t. My body, my muscles all started convulsing, it wasn’t by choice my body just knew what it was doing. I heard a knock at the door and my sisters voice shout hello as my little girl literally slid straight out in one go! 

    Adrian told me she had the cord wrapped around her but the midwife had it off in seconds and then she was in my arms! No one caught her in the end, she came shooting out onto the bed solo! My mum said I think it’s a girl, she’d come so fast we hadn’t even saw that. But there she was, at 4.11pm this 7lbs and 15.5 ounces of life changing perfection! 

    We just had the next few hours relaxed, skin to skin with me and her dad. Granny and Auntie getting a cuddle. It took about an hour for my placenta to come away and damn that thing was huge – one of the midwives excitedly showed us the detail of it on the bed. I just remember us all watching the most surreal biology lesson of my life. 

    Now the only downside was that due to where I had torn a little I needed to go to the hospital for stitches. It was a little annoying but at the same time I was grateful for the stitches to be done safely and confidently. It was kinda amazing getting ready though, Adrian was holding our daughter, my sister helped me to shower and dress, and my mum and a midwife cleaned up and changed the bed for us. It sounds so silly but in that moment I knew we had the best village taking care of all of us. 

    4 stitches, a couple hours and a McDonalds drive through later and we were home. Adrian let me get a few hours sleep and he just jumped straight into dad life with bottles and nappies. Back in the bed she was born and where I lay now looking at her. 

    I personally can’t recommend a home birth enough if everything is looking safe to do so. I lucked out on a healthy pregnancy and felt safe at home, so for us it was right. And just a couple of little things …

    To the community midwives of West Lothian thank you for everything! 

    To my mum, thank you for being there and even the telling off – I needed you and it!

    To my sister, thank you for looking after me! 

    And to Adrian, I know people joke a man’s part isn’t much but without you I wouldn’t have got through any of it! 

    Finally though, I know we were so lucky and things just went right. But to all the mums, no matter how your birth went… tell your story! I believe we need to share the good and the bad! We need to tell the health professionals, the future mums and sometimes ourselves about it all. I spent years listening to all kinds of stories and now I finally get to add mine to them. I hope this helps someone or even just sheds light on home birth and makes it a little less frowned upon in our society! 

  • Fatigue, Nausea & Constipation… OH MY!

    For some people, pregnancy is a beautiful experience, indeed I have even heard a family member say that she was born to make babies. But behind the curtain of the happiness and the miracle that is creating a new life, there are some seriously dark realities that women often feel they have to keep quiet on. Whether from guilt that they are the lucky ones to be able to have a child or from some strange societal pressure that we should shut up and smile regardless. 

    But fuck that! I can simultaneously be thankful I was able to get pregnant and at the same moment utterly frustrated that I haven’t been able to shit in a week. One does not negate the other. But I think that it has been women’s silence, correction, women being silenced that meant I was quite taken aback at how difficult, particularly the first trimester was. Even close friends, I feel they slightly sugar coated the bad days, and because of this I spent some time in my early pregnancy just wondering if I was a giant pussy and not able to cope with anything hard. 

    It’s like you enter this private club, finally gaining that prestigious membership and you get to start asking people about their experiences. It is in that moment you see this strange glimmer in their eyes, this almost villainous moment where now they know they can divulge the truth. It is the ‘oh now we can tell you’ stare and you almost wait for that evil villain laugh to follow. You see the truth is, they knew it was going to be bad but didn’t want to tell you the full extent. It’s like finding out Santa isn’t real and credit cards aren’t free money all in the one moment. I guess in their minds though, they think if they had shared this info, that the reproduction of man kind might come to a very dramatic end. 

    Personally though, I like to know the full truth. Just because something is hard it does not mean it is not worth getting into. I like to know the best case scenarios and the worst, just to have this mental understanding of what I’ll be getting myself in for. And hey maybe it was partly me not seeking it out or maybe my social media algorithm just didn’t aim me towards the truth but I was 100% not ready for the physical or mental toll pregnancy takes. 

    So if you are reading this and have never had a baby but want to, or you are just curious or maybe supporting your partner or friends through their pregnancy here’s the most honest review I can give you… well for the first trimester, I think each trimester will get wildly different ratings! 

    Pregnancy: The First Trimester (3 Stars)“Expect the unexpected and be prepared for the wildest things for you body to do that are completely out of your control”

    Those first twelve weeks are the strangest time, when you are meant to keep quiet that you are pregnant (we will discuss this bullshit in the future) and yet your body is having utterly crazy reactions to the surge in hormones and you know, your body physically turning an embryo into a tiny human. 

    As I mentioned I found out very early and that is because my body started to change very friggin quickly. That first change is a pretty standard symptom but you have no clue to what extent you might get hit …. NAUSEA.

    Nausea is crazy! The things that can trigger it can be so unexpected. Of course some things are obvious, smells you might have been repulsed by before (sweaty knee sleeves in the gym) will now hit you like a truck going 100 mph. But it is the unexpected triggers that just throw you. For me, savoury foods became my nemesis, spending an hour creating a dinner I used to love only to take one bite and want to curl up and die on the bathroom floor. The smell of petrol and diesel made me not want to get out to refuel my car. Oh and my dogs whom I love dearly, now caused me to gag on a regular basis – much to their confusion. 

    I managed to luck out and only threw up twice – once because I coughed too hard and once because the tablet I tried to swallow was too big – but too the women throwing up daily or struggling with HG, you are friggin warriors and deserve a medal after all that! 

    Oh and one more thing – it’s not “morning sickness” it’s whenever your body fucking wants sickness and for me it was 5pm nightly!!! Fighting the urge to just lay on the floor at work was so hard. 

    TIP: Full fat cola, I was never a huge fizzy drinker before pregnancy beyond needing it for a hangover cure but a can of cold full fat cola was how I kept the worst of the nausea at bay! 

    Added to this fun I had the delight of constipation, I legit could only poop once every four to five days. This also meant I basicaly had a bloat bump from day one. I cannot express the excitement as I entered the second trimester and it eased to every second day. Not ideal but Jesus Christ it felt better!

    TIP: Eat all the fibre filled cereals in sight, they may not be the most nutriously good but my God they help! 

    Next up on the expected but undersold symptoms FATIGUE! I was thinking it might be an extra hour sleep here or there but no, try 2-4 hour naps because your body just needs to shut down followed by a solid 9 hours sleep. Now I realise to some this level of sleep sounds like bliss, and trust me I enjoyed it to start with too. But see if you have a job, a home, dogs and you know general adult responsibilities it can make life a bit more tricky.

    Walking dogs at 1am because you slept through the evening, washing piling up because you can’t keep your eyes open long enough and don’t even think about a social life because leaving the house for anything beyond the essentials is a push!

    I was lucky enough to keep going to the gym up until week 8 but between week 8 and 11 I was living in no man’s land, and all I could muster was the strength to get through work then the rest was down to Adrian because when I got home I needed the couch or bed … there was no other option! 

    Those few weeks felt rough and I honestly felt so useless, I felt I was being stripped of my indentity and independence. I am not good at being sick at the best of times but the guilt as the housework piled up and I couldn’t even walk the dogs the length of the street was bad. How anyone survives that period with other children to care for is beyond me! I was very lucky it only floored me to this extent for 3 weeks, I have friends who felt like this the whole first trimester and beyond so trust me I am grateful I came out the other side. But in this time I realised my body was not my own now, I had to bid farewell to a few aspects of life and just admit defeat because things had to be adapted now to just function on a basic level. 

    TIP: When your body is telling you to sleep don’t let anyone shame you or question it, it’s normal. That nap was probably a limb or a brain or some other essential organ growing, that nap was needed so your body could do something much bigger so take the nap if you can! 

    Once I got through that first trimester, I lucked out and turned a corner as they say. Want to know the weirdest thing though – there is a period between week 12 and 18, before the movements start being constant and once the symptoms have eased that you have moments of feeling OK. But do you know what happens to your brain in these moments, YOU PANIC! And all of a sudden you start to pray for a sign, anything to kick in and just confirm that you are in fact still pregnant and everything is ok. You need that nausea, fatigue, constipation  or your nipples to ache like they are growing like Pinocchio’s nose (yup this happens too) just to prove to yourself this is still real! You have become so conditioned to these symptoms, you almost need them now as confirmation that everything is actually ok. Dare I say you even miss them a little when they go because despite how testing it was, it was how you knew that you were infact pregnant. 

    Now all in all I have been having a relatively good pregancy, and I am now starting to forget the feelings of those weeks that really tested me. In fairness the next stages – third trimester and birth – are likely to throw up challenges and I might eat my words but inspite of everything I have listed and felt… I actually really enjoy being pregnant. And it’s not out of the guilt that I have to say it and not purely because it’s given me the best hair of my life. But this whole experience has helped me fall in love with my body and mind on a whole new level. I was always grateful for my body, I loved testing it in regards to fitness over the past few years particularly and it’s done incredible things. But so far this wins, this beats any PB’s in the gym, it eclipses doing the Moonwalk without training and is more impressive than all the drunken antics I survived (don’t climb Arthur’s Seat at 3am in heels!). This experience isn’t meant to be easy but I think the mental strength I have developed this far is what is going to power me through to be a stronger mum. 

    Well that’s the hope anyway! So if you are starting out or preparing for it, I won’t lie so much of the first trimester sucks and if you have been through it you know it was, don’t lie. BUT when you get through the bad days you become this stronger more impressive version of yourself. It is pretty bloody magical just knowing what the human body can do! 

    Till next time!

    Katy & Bump x

  • I JUST KNEW

    I can’t really explain how I knew so early! Sitting watching episodes of “I didn’t know I was pregnant” leads me to question this a lot more, but I did. I just knew, from almost the moment my body decided this was a viable pregnancy. But for this all to make sense I guess I need to go back a few years to the start of this journey.

    In Sept 2022, after being free from hormonal birth control for a few months we took the step of “trying” – I need to admit I don’t think either of us ever felt comfortable saying that phrase aloud, instead it was more us knowing we were done preventing it. However, in all honestly I have to admit I was naïve and thought it was going to be a lot quicker! Even though I’d seen friends go through miscarriages and some years of infertility, I just thought for us it was just going to happen.

    But the months started to add up and before we knew it a year came and went and then we hit two. Now it’s not all bad when trying takes longer, I think for me anyway I really enjoyed my life and it gave me an opportunity to stop being a people pleaser and be a lot more selfish with how I wanted to live my life. I wasn’t expecting to have quite as long living this way but hey ho. It gave me time to let my hair down a bit, to do things I had fallen in love with like CrossFit and to build a community around me of similar minded and focused legends! It also meant we had more energy to give to our businesses and to building our little empire.

    The downside though, was most definitely the mind fuck it took on me. I lost track of the number of wasted pregnancy tests, getting to the point where I went to the cheap strips ones because I didn’t want to waste £12 a pop. I’d take a test before my period was even due just in the hope maybe it was going to be this month. Yet, in those two years I was only late twice, and in those two instances I knew straight away it wasn’t pregnancy holding things up, It’s again strange to look back and know how aware I was despite being a week late, I knew my period was coming. The unexplainable hope I had on months with no signals was no where in sight then, and as I knew it would, each time my period came and the inevitable tears that followed.

    It took some time for us, well probably more me to admit defeat but in July 2024 we finally booked in with our GP, it was time to acknowledge out loud that this wasn’t happening for us. Thankfully we had a wonderful GP and she even ran a bunch of tests I asked for initially just to check I was all ok from a basic level. They all came back clear, she got us both in and kick started our journey, getting us on the waitlist to speak to the infertility team and start the IVF process. Do you know she was so positive and keen to get us in, she did the steps we were meant to because two weeks after meeting her we hadn’t finalised the paperwork… so she did it for us. She knew the reality of the waitlists and that we were still a bit overwhelmed by it all.

    Once the realisation sunk in that we were likely going to need medical intervention, despite both of us being the healthiest we had been in years, it offered a strange sense of relief. 2025 and hospital appointments were months away, so what did we get to do with ourselves in the interim?

    I could finally check out mentally from that monthly disappointment and the emotional fatigue of it all. I deleted the tracking app and even though I knew my cycle to the minute, it felt like a step to free myself from it. I messaged my PT telling him that I was done with doing things half arsed, I wanted abs and in 20 weeks time I was going to be in the best shape of my life. I even signed up to do a photo shoot in my underwear in order to show said transformation. I was ready to go full send and signed up for a CrossFit competition to push myself even more.

    You know what happens next right?

    THAT SAME WEEK, the transformation I had in mind was about to be completely flipped on its head. That week my nutrition, my strength, my dedication and my body were all on point. I hit over 100kgs on my back squat, finally got my clean and jerk passed 50kg, running was feeling good and dare I say easier and my ability on the ski and row machines in the gym was hitting numbers I had only dreamed off. To all you non gym goers… I was basically in beast mode, it was fecking amazing!

    My body was feeling on the verge of a fitness level I had only ever dreamed of and then my egg and Adrian’s sperm finally got their shit together and like the opening scene of ‘Look Who’s Talking’ it happened.

    I am not sure of the science in all honesty but I feel I knew literally the moment that fertilised egg found a home in my uterus. I mean I can’t prove it but I know on the 2nd October 2024 my life completely changed.

    It was a Wednesday night and I went to my usual CrossFit class. I was ready for a tough workout – it was a partner one with dumbbells and lunges, overhead lunges just to add to the hell! On the last round of lunges with the dumbbells overhead I remember thinking on the first few metres, that I was killing it. But then I turned to come back for the final lap and, well everything started to change. I went from feeling strong as fuck to dropping the dumbbells in the fear I was about to projectile vomit water across the gym floor. I managed to shake it off and lifted the dumbbells up again but my stomach was doing flips, I somehow got to the finish line and just collapsed (don’t worry this is a very normal response after a CrossFit workout so I didn’t draw any attention). I lay there, getting my breath back but just realising and repeating in my head “Holy Shit, I’m pregnant!”

    I know some people will think this is totally normally but I never knew you could know so quickly and based off my due date I was 3 weeks and 1 day when I found out. Even women I’ve known who tried for years don’t find out till that 6 week mark! I couldn’t even register with my midwifes the next day because in their words, I was too early to go on the system. It still blows my mind in all honesty.

    But that night, I left the gym in a bit of a whirlwind, not able to focus if I am honest. I got home and said to Adrian I wasn’t feeling great and I just went straight to the bathroom. As if by chance, I had one early detection pregnancy test left! Without saying to him I just took it, and the speed at which that second line appeared nearly floored me. I mean even though I knew, the reality of seeing that line I had dreamed off seeing for years still blew me away.

    Maybe I was still in a haze from the workout teamed with the news but I didn’t have the capacity to tell Adrian in a “cute” way. On retrospect I wish I had, he had had a shite day so I could have tried to be cuter in my delivery. But I just walked down the stairs test in hand and gave it to him with the magical line “well at least you don’t need to spunk in a cup now”. Safe to say I was just in complete and utter shock and now so was he.

    It took a few days but once we got our heads around the fact this was real, we started a whole new journey. One we had never expected to be on, at least without a ton more work! So now I get to share this journey with you all and I am forever grateful to have even gotten to this stage!

    Looking forward to sharing even more with you all as we go.

    Katy & Bump x